Turning from Shame to Humility

I remember the scene well: a junior high classroom complete with desks and blackboard, two boys snickering as they called me names and degraded my looks. Though it happened to me for years, I could never really name the feeling until recently. I was embarrassed, sure. No one likes to be pointed out in front of the whole class, but it was more than that. Slinking down in my seat each time it happened, I would try to disappear. Obsessing about whether I would make it through the day without being insulted distracted my learning. In my brain, these boys had found out how unlovable I was and they were blaring it to the whole world. I was too tall, too uncoordinated, too ugly to be worthy of love and approval. I felt more than embarrassed. I felt deep shame.

Brené Brown, an expert on shame said, “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” My pastor, Doug Meyers said, “Shame is the intense feeling we are unqualified for love and belonging.” And that explains a lot to me about how I acted during those years. I never told my mother that two boys harassed me and I always wondered why. Now I understand. I didn’t want my mom to know what was wrong with me as well. I also rarely talked about it with my friends even though they heard the harassment. Bringing it up was like reminding them of my unworthiness.

This happened years ago and I haven’t harbored any ill feelings towards these boys for years. I don’t blame them or others who unknowingly caused me to doubt my worth and frankly I thought I was way beyond these events affecting me. That was until I burst into tears while doing an issues inventory. When I thought back on the incident, I realized the extent and depth of the shame I had felt. It wasn’t a shame about a behavior or incident I could change or correct. I felt deep shame about who I WAS. This realization hurt but at the same time was enlightening because it brought with it quick understanding of how this shame connected to the following past and current issues:

Depression - The feeling that I’m not worthy and life is meaningless.

Anxiety - Trying desperately to be worthy by doing all the right things and striving to the point of never being able to relax.

Perfectionism – Proving I am worth something because I can do something extremely well.

Competition - Trying to be more worthy than you. It’s ok if I’m not worthy just as long as someone is less worthy than me.

Controlling my family- I want my family to help me feel more worthy by being more perfect, successful, and worthy themselves.

Busy social calendar - If I don’t have a full calendar then not enough people like me and if enough people don’t like me, I’m not ok.

Caretaking – If people need me then I feel worthy of love.

My tendency when an awareness of my issues rush in is to realize just how messed up I am and use that to reinforce my unworthiness. In other words, my tendency is to go right back to deep shame about who I am. In the past, less than ten years ago, an awareness of all my issues would have sent me immediately to self-loathing.

Now I know there are other places to go besides shame. Today with my list of issues I choose to court humbleness. And while humbleness shares some commonality with shame on the surface, at their core they are totally different. On the surface, with both, I have an awareness of my imperfection. With shame I associate that imperfection with unworthiness and then try to hide all that is wrong with me. Shame was the reason I hid my harassment from my mom and friends. Humbleness, on the other hand, knows there are things wrong with me but that knowledge rests on God’s accepting and affirming love and grace. God assures us of his love in the scripture. One example is in Ephesians 3: 17-19:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Humbleness takes the stance that, yes, I’m far from perfect, and that is more than ok because I am deeply loved. With that humbleness comes a willingness to share – to bring my problems into the light and to admit how imperfect I am.

Shame and humility start with the same issue but bring us to two opposite places. Visually, shame is hiding in a dark room, scrunched up in a corner, wearing a tattered coat with garbage tucked in every nook and pocket. As rubbish falls out, we bend over, pick it up, and make sure no one sees as we stuff it back in the coat. Humbleness wears the same tattered coat, the same garbage falls out, but we sit in a light room, and we are not hiding in the corner nor are we alone. When rubbish falls from our coat, Jesus sees it, looks at us and smiles. Seeing Jesus’ acceptance we leave it exposed. Out in the open, the healing begins.

Senior year in high school, I attended a religious retreat. The last night of the weekend, 40 people holding candles walked up a hill towards a small quaint church. Stars twinkled overhead and pine trees surrounded us. We sang a beautiful song in round style as we went: “Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up.” This song comforts our souls and speaks directly to the life changing decision we can make when confronted with our imperfections. Depression, anxiety, caretaking, competition, controlling my family, these were all very real reactions to the shame I felt. I hoped I was good enough. I hoped I was worthy of love. And then came God’s good news. The good news is that we are loved by God more than we can imagine. The good news is our worth has already been settled. The good news is that nothing we do will make us worth more or less. The good news is we can choose humility instead of shame. And unbelievably there is still more good news: If we humbly bring our feelings of unworthiness and shame to Jesus, he will begin the healing work in all of us. He is about the work of taking our shame and replacing it with the realization that we are more valuable than rubies and gold.