Turning from Shame to Humility

I remember the scene well: a junior high classroom complete with desks and blackboard, two boys snickering as they called me names and degraded my looks. Though it happened to me for years, I could never really name the feeling until recently. I was embarrassed, sure. No one likes to be pointed out in front of the whole class, but it was more than that. Slinking down in my seat each time it happened, I would try to disappear. Obsessing about whether I would make it through the day without being insulted distracted my learning. In my brain, these boys had found out how unlovable I was and they were blaring it to the whole world. I was too tall, too uncoordinated, too ugly to be worthy of love and approval. I felt more than embarrassed. I felt deep shame.

Brené Brown, an expert on shame said, “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” My pastor, Doug Meyers said, “Shame is the intense feeling we are unqualified for love and belonging.” And that explains a lot to me about how I acted during those years. I never told my mother that two boys harassed me and I always wondered why. Now I understand. I didn’t want my mom to know what was wrong with me as well. I also rarely talked about it with my friends even though they heard the harassment. Bringing it up was like reminding them of my unworthiness.

This happened years ago and I haven’t harbored any ill feelings towards these boys for years. I don’t blame them or others who unknowingly caused me to doubt my worth and frankly I thought I was way beyond these events affecting me. That was until I burst into tears while doing an issues inventory. When I thought back on the incident, I realized the extent and depth of the shame I had felt. It wasn’t a shame about a behavior or incident I could change or correct. I felt deep shame about who I WAS. This realization hurt but at the same time was enlightening because it brought with it quick understanding of how this shame connected to the following past and current issues:

Depression - The feeling that I’m not worthy and life is meaningless.

Anxiety - Trying desperately to be worthy by doing all the right things and striving to the point of never being able to relax.

Perfectionism – Proving I am worth something because I can do something extremely well.

Competition - Trying to be more worthy than you. It’s ok if I’m not worthy just as long as someone is less worthy than me.

Controlling my family- I want my family to help me feel more worthy by being more perfect, successful, and worthy themselves.

Busy social calendar - If I don’t have a full calendar then not enough people like me and if enough people don’t like me, I’m not ok.

Caretaking – If people need me then I feel worthy of love.

My tendency when an awareness of my issues rush in is to realize just how messed up I am and use that to reinforce my unworthiness. In other words, my tendency is to go right back to deep shame about who I am. In the past, less than ten years ago, an awareness of all my issues would have sent me immediately to self-loathing.

Now I know there are other places to go besides shame. Today with my list of issues I choose to court humbleness. And while humbleness shares some commonality with shame on the surface, at their core they are totally different. On the surface, with both, I have an awareness of my imperfection. With shame I associate that imperfection with unworthiness and then try to hide all that is wrong with me. Shame was the reason I hid my harassment from my mom and friends. Humbleness, on the other hand, knows there are things wrong with me but that knowledge rests on God’s accepting and affirming love and grace. God assures us of his love in the scripture. One example is in Ephesians 3: 17-19:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Humbleness takes the stance that, yes, I’m far from perfect, and that is more than ok because I am deeply loved. With that humbleness comes a willingness to share – to bring my problems into the light and to admit how imperfect I am.

Shame and humility start with the same issue but bring us to two opposite places. Visually, shame is hiding in a dark room, scrunched up in a corner, wearing a tattered coat with garbage tucked in every nook and pocket. As rubbish falls out, we bend over, pick it up, and make sure no one sees as we stuff it back in the coat. Humbleness wears the same tattered coat, the same garbage falls out, but we sit in a light room, and we are not hiding in the corner nor are we alone. When rubbish falls from our coat, Jesus sees it, looks at us and smiles. Seeing Jesus’ acceptance we leave it exposed. Out in the open, the healing begins.

Senior year in high school, I attended a religious retreat. The last night of the weekend, 40 people holding candles walked up a hill towards a small quaint church. Stars twinkled overhead and pine trees surrounded us. We sang a beautiful song in round style as we went: “Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord and he will lift you up.” This song comforts our souls and speaks directly to the life changing decision we can make when confronted with our imperfections. Depression, anxiety, caretaking, competition, controlling my family, these were all very real reactions to the shame I felt. I hoped I was good enough. I hoped I was worthy of love. And then came God’s good news. The good news is that we are loved by God more than we can imagine. The good news is our worth has already been settled. The good news is that nothing we do will make us worth more or less. The good news is we can choose humility instead of shame. And unbelievably there is still more good news: If we humbly bring our feelings of unworthiness and shame to Jesus, he will begin the healing work in all of us. He is about the work of taking our shame and replacing it with the realization that we are more valuable than rubies and gold.

Do You Trust Me 

Three mornings in a row I’d awaken to the same three words whispered in my ear, “Do you trust me?” It was a question Jesus repeated to me as I struggle with worry and anxiety. Getting ready to go on a trip to Seattle with my family, I was anxious about the flight, the lack of sleep, our schedule and all of us getting along for a week in close quarters. The excitements about seeing relatives and being in the cool and gorgeous northwest was squashed by my “what if’s.” In the past, I’d had panic attacks on the airplane. In the past, complaints and bad moods had thrown a wet blanket on beautiful surroundings. In the past, I’d had trouble sleeping which had caused my anxiety to rise. So while I tried not to think about it, my anxiety skyrocketed. As the days to departure lessened, Jesus kept asking me the poignant question: “Do you trust me?”  

How should I answer when I couldn’t hide the truth?  

Yes, I trust you Jesus. Yes, I know you’ve always helped me with my flights and my panic attacks. Yes, I know I felt you touch me and heal me one morning last year as I awoke. Your healing touch brought me hope that my misery on airplane flight had come to an end. Yes, you’ve shown me I can survive without sleep. And yes, when I pray for help in difficult family tiffs you always calm the family storms and help me hold my tongue. 

“Do you trust me?”  

Yes, I trust you Jesus, but no I also don’t. Honestly I have trouble holding on to that trust. When some tragedy plays on the TV, when an airplane goes down or a neighbor loses a loved one, my trusts wanes. When a family member dies suddenly I wonder: Didn’t they trust you that everything would be ok? Weren’t they praying for safety? Weren’t they praying for health? Didn’t they trust you too? 

“Do you trust me?”  

No in many ways I don’t trust you Jesus. I am sorry. The habit of worry dies hard. Negative thought continually pop into my head. I often push them aside choosing to trust, but more often I give in to my lack of trust because peace feels strangely uncomfortable. Worry has become my safety net, a rehearsal for the inevitable bad.  

I want to trust you completely Jesus, but I am struggling with my final answer. You have carried me through so much that I want to answer your question with an unequivocal “yes.” But for me trusting you is still a process and honestly I have not yet arrived.  

Discouraged by my answer I am reminded by you of others with this same trust issue. David, Peter, and Elijah immediately come to mind.  Psalms 56:3 says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.” David had fear first, before trust. “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalm 94:19) David also had anxiety. Peter as he got out of the boat had trust, then fear as he sunk into the waves, then faith as he cried out. (Matthew 14:28-33) Elijah was so afraid of being killed by Jezebel that he ran to the desert, hid and asked God to end his life. (1 King 19: 1-5) 

“Do you trust me?”  

Jesus I can only use your words from scripture to answer. 

Yes, with faith as small as a mustard seed, I trust you. (Matthew 17:20) 

Yes, I do trust you; but help me overcome my lack of trust. (Matthew 9:24) 

And finally from Peters words as he sunk into the crashing waves. His words were short and sweet given the desperation of the situation. “Lord, save me,” he cried and that was enough and so his words are enough for me also. Lord, save me from my lack of trust!! 

Kung Fu Forgiveness

My son fancies himself as a karate expert and one day after watching a Chinese Kung Fu show he decided to test out his knife skills in the kitchen. With no one else around, he swung his knifes, battling the imagery evil doers that surrounded him. Connecting with some skin in his imagination was in reality, slashing a hole in the meshing of the pull-down faucet nozzle.

That night, when I went to prepare supper, a small spray of water wet the front of my shirt. I promptly wrapped it up in electric tape, lived with the slight drip that accompanied turning on the sink, and forgot about it for a long time.

Months later, my mom visited. Looking for cleaning supplies, something I admit I rarely do, my mom noticed wet boards under the sink. My first thought was Ben’s kung fu was causing this leak. What a mess! As the smell of routing wood filled the kitchen, all I could think of was all the extra work his carelessness had caused me.

Two mornings later, as I looked under the sink and decided to address the issue, my crabbiness built as I pulled out the cleaning supplies and realized just how much water was there.

At seven I woke Ben up, in typical loving style, with what was wrong with the sink, how he would need to pay for it, and what he would have to do about it followed by, “Good morning.” Needless to say he didn’t go off to school skipping and radiating the love of his mother that morning. Instead he issued a few choice words and raced off to catch the bus.

As I reflected during my Bible study that morning I realized Ben and I hadn’t been getting a long very well since my mom had discovered the leak and the reason was not because of him. It was because of me. I was not forgiving him for his Kung Fu because it was making my life more difficult.  Then the following words of Jesus came to mind.

 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  (Mark 11:25 NIV)

I assumed that Jesus’ instruction also included Bible study so I put down my Bible and wrote the following letter of confession.

Dear Ben,

I am sorry that I was so agitated with you last night and this morning. I realize that I contributed to your bad mood. I was having trouble forgiving you for what you did to the kitchen sink. . . .

Finishing my letter another scripture came to mind. In Matthew 5: 23-24 Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

It is clear by both of these scripture the importance God puts on us getting right with the people in our lives. We are to stop offering and pause in our prayers in order to take care of the business of forgiveness and reconciliation! Unfortunately most of us would rather throw a large check in the offertory plate than fess up to holding a grudge and then let it go.

We also often know and focus on forgiving people of the big issues. Forgiving the dad that wasn’t there, the spouse who cheated, or the person who injured a love one, but learning how to forgive starts with the little things that get under our skin and continue to give us aggravation and family conflict. It’s often the forgiveness of these little things that sets the daily tone in our homes.

As we gather with family and friends this summer, forgiveness and reconciliation are perhaps two of the most important factors in determining whether love and joy will join us in the summer sun. Are you willing to take Jesus’ words to heart and give the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, our loved ones, and our Savior? Forgive it all. Forgive the little things like the toilet seat that is always up. Forgive the jelly left out all night again, and forgive the big water mess that was brought about because of a son’s imagination and a kung fu slice of a knife.

Keep Your Eye on the Prize

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2 NIV).

My twelve-year-old petite daughter Holly was the gutsy goalie for her select soccer team. During one game, a player from the other team had a break away and ran with the ball at my daughter full speed. Holly ran out of the goalie box and threw herself on the ball just as the girl pulled back her foot to boot the ball. The player from the other team, not being able to stop in time, ran over the top of Holly using Holly’s leg as a stepstool. Blue, black and red painted her leg as a nasty bruise the size of a foot print formed.

It’s not human nature to throw yourself into a crash. When something flies towards our eyes, we blink. When someone sneezes near us, we turn the other way. When a car crosses the center line on a highway, we slow down and move over. Protecting ourselves is how we stay alive. It’s natural. It’s instinctive but it’s not always in line with God’s plan. Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves. (Luke 10:3 NIV) (I’m not advocating dangerous living just dangerous loving.) 

So how does a goalie, like my daughter, intentionally throw herself into a collision?

By keeping her eye on the ball!

Likewise, we can throw ourselves into situations God calls us into by keeping our eyes on Him. Paul says in 2 Timothy 4:7-8 says, I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Paul, who was thrown into imprisoned, beaten, and shipwrecked, wasn’t worried about the pain that might come his way. He threw himself heartily into every situation God called him.

The more we try to protect ourselves the more we can’t play the game of life. Imagine a bubble-wrapped goalie trying to move fast enough to capture a ball. It’s not going to happen.

When I am hurt by friends I bubble wrap myself in quietness, and distance.  When too many friends move away, when I know I’ll never see an aging friend again, I momentarily want to remove myself from the pain of life. But God instructs us to love, keep our eyes on the prize, and yes to take off the bubble wrap.

So just like my daughter dives for a ball with little concern for her safety, we must throw ourselves into God’s call of love with our eyes only on the prize. 

A Pack of Lies

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)

When I was nine, Sister Mary Edwards stood in front of my small Catholic classroom and threatened that if anyone cursed me that was the devils invitation to take over my body. A nun said it. She was a representative of God therefore this was the truth.

For months I lay awake at night worried that Dave K. had cursed me, without me knowing, and the devil, having his invite, had already packed the U-Haul and was on his way. 

Recently, I completed a week long study about truth and realized that although I don’t have a problem with lying, I do have a huge problem with the truth. It’s not an issue with what comes out of my mouth, it’s an issue with what I allow to go into my heart and soul and become my foundation. I have a problem accepting lies as the truth.

I was a gullible child so in addition to accepting what the nun said as truth the list continues:

A couple of boys made fun of me tirelessly in junior high. Making references to my unattractiveness and tall skinny height. Their truth, that I was not beautiful, became my truth. 

One day my grandfather said, “Your sister gets more presents than you because she’s friendlier.” I heard his words, translated it into your sister is more loveable, and bronzed his saying in my heart.

When I was in college I experimented with hallucinogenic. During a bad “trip” I experienced the universe as empty and meaningless. I felt it therefore it was truth.

I took all these truths deep into my self and laid them down near my foundation. Though I struggled with them, I never completely rooted them out. 

I believed Sister Mary Edwards that the devil was powerful.

I believed two thirteen year old boys telling me I was ugly.

I believed my grandfather that I was less lovable,

And during hard days I believed my feeling that the universe was empty.

Recently while doing some guided imagery, my therapist asked me to imagine Jesus in the scene with Sister Mary Edwards. Seeing Jesus at the front of the class standing next to the nun I saw the anger on His face. It was then I realized how many lies I had accepted as truth.

The truth is there is nothing to fear including the devil. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. (Isaiah 41:10)

The truth is God thinks I’m beautiful.  He has made everything beautiful in its time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11) 

The truth is I am precious and lovable. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:13-14)

The truth is God created this abundant universe. I made the earth and created man on it; it was my hands that stretched out the heavens, and I commanded all their host. (Isaiah 45:12.)

These truths are replacing the old lies at my foundation.

What pack of lies have you accepted as truth? Whatever they are, vow to never again believe the opinions of others, or your feelings, over the truth given to you by God, because the truth does set you free!!

A Purpose Driven Game

At the age of seven, my grandmother took me to the rolling green hills of our local golf course for my first lesson. With an adult sized-club in hand, one white dimpled ball, I knew I was supposed to hit the ball with the club. And so I did. As quickly as I could, I hit the ball, ran the ten yards to where it lay, hit it again, ran, hit, and ran, until I was the first one to sink the ball in the hole. I yelled “I won,” but of course being the first one with their ball in the hole is not the game of golf.

As a seven-year-old I was sure the objective of any game was to be faster than anyone else on the field. Tag worked that way, as well as the impromptu bike races down our street. Being first was my automatic go-to-purpose for any competition.

As a teenager I was sure popularity and looks were the purpose of my life game. When I grew a bit, a good job and success seemed the driving force. Over the years my set of automatic go-to-purposes often conflict with the real God-prescribed purpose. I know my purpose as prescribed by God: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength . . .Love your neighbor as yourself. (NIV Mark 12:30,31)

Even though I believe this truth and say it is the guiding principal of my life, I still often fall back into my automatic go-to-purposes. The current goal for my days seems to be how much I can get done. A happy day = red lines scratched off my to–do list. I say this because when I make decisions about what I’m doing each day, it has less to do with loving God and people and more to do with crossing tasks off my precious list. I fall back into playing a game that doesn’t get me anywhere, similar to hitting a dimpled ball and running across the golf course didn’t secure me a win.

Why do I do this? Because it’s hard to live my purpose. It’s hard to live a heart-open-God-purposed life. It feels sweet by vulnerable, peaceful yet unsteady, safe but risky.

One night while working on my writing my husband snuck up on me and kissed me gently. It felt sweet and I felt squishy in side. I felt loved and at the same time vulnerable. I resisted stopping my work, and turning the love, and kept on working. Why? Because it seems easier to live in a way that can be counted and measured, like money and check lists. With my almost holy to-do lists my results can always be measured. With loving others and God the results are unmeasurable, often unknown, and often don’t feel like a win.

Awareness of this problem is the first and crucial step. Realizing the choices we make, and the unconscious objectives bolstering them up, helps us to make more conscious choices based on the God’s purpose of life. I think of Mary, one of Jesus’s friends, sitting at Jesus’s feet and Martha her sister running around the house trying to get a meal on the table. When Martha gets upset at Mary for sitting around doing nothing Jesus corrects her. He says, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41,42)

We as Christians make a commitment to a life style that is unmeasurable by world standards. We cannot check things off a list each day, we cannot measure our success by the dollars in our savings, or the number of invites to socialize each week. We have made a commitment to play the game of life by God’s rules.

While I’m not an avid golfer even today, I do realize the opportunity I missed that first day on the course by not playing the game the way it was intended to be played. Instead of frantically running I might have had a relaxing summer day walking the lush rolling hills of Iowa with my grandmother, chatting and laughing as we went. Someday, when I’m older and grayer I don’t want to look back and have the same sense of missed opportunity about my life.  

His Peace

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 6-7 NIV)

As the jet roared down the runway, I gripped the blue vinyl armrest of my airplane seat and struggled to control my breathing. When the airplane prepared to soar, my panic attack did the same. The words, “I can’t do it,” repeated over-and-over in my mind as I tried to calm my shaking body. For the next two hours, I fought the hand-sweating, mind-electrifying panic second-by-second. At the end of the flight, I walked down the hangar feeling limp, depressed, and exhausted. How could I survive a flight again?

A year later, as soon as I booked the same flight home, I dreaded it. I felt incapable of handling the mental pressure without cracking. The problem was, I could keep the panic at bay for a few minutes, but the flight was two and one-half hours long. If only I could focus on God the whole time. After all, God says, “Fear Not.” Praying brought me peace, but panic constantly wormed its way into my mind and destroyed my peace.

The night before we left, in the middle of my imagining the worst airplane flight ever, and a desperate prayer for help, God focused a spot light on my delirious thinking. I was worried and anxious because I didn’t think I could focus on God. It was still all about me and my strength, my focus, my ability. God told me to rely on Him for my food, my children’s well being, and yes even my faith and my ability to concentrate on Him. “Yes, Dear God, keep my mind on You. You know I can’t do it, but You can.”

I’d like to say that after I prayed all the fear evaporated instantly, but even Abraham waited for his prayer to be answered. Flight day, the anticipation was miserable. I walked down the tin can tunnels, through the doors, past seat after seat of people packed in like sardines. Would God come through for me? I quickly said a prayer that mimicked the father who brought his demon possessed son to Jesus, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24 NIV) We taxied to our take off; the engine roared; we raced down the track. The airplane lifted and the wheels pulled up. Where were the racing thoughts, the closed in feelings, the panic? It had vanished. In their place, for the whole two and one-half hours, God kept me focused on Him.

That day God taught me to rely on Him for everything, even my faith in him.

And that day, God replaced my armrest-gripping, claustrophobic panic with His dependable glorious Peace.

Dear God, help me to rely on You for everything, even my faith and focus.